Lakeside Experience

I feel like I’m not the only one here; you are standing behind me, lingering over the page before me.  Most of the footprints around me are my own but there is one set that my shoes won’t scuff away.  The sweat drips down my spine and off my neck, from my head down to my toes and I am drenched in the hatred that I feel for you.  My heart can’t take the pain you inflict on it anymore.  You have to go and make a life for yourself before you try and make a life with anyone else.  You gave yourself away but didn’t put a price tag, and now you want your money back.  It was never yours to give, though.  It was always theirs, and you don’t deserve to keep a life that you have carelessly tried to give away so many times.  It is no ones fault but your own, but you wish you could blame everyone else. 

            I am a bottomless pit, a never ending hole in the ground, and I feel like I am falling into myself, drowning in the darkness that is me.  It is serene here, with no light.  It tells me that I don’t need anyone to make me happy, I just need to know that there are people out there who love me and care about me so much so that they would stop at nothing to help me out.  

Today

Today is a weird day... last night was THAT night... the one that you don't want to remember forever, but you more want to throw it away because you are disgusted with yourself.  It is sunny today, and walking around in shorts and a tank top is so perfect, especially when you are sitting on a bench in front of Lake Merced sweating because it is so damn hot.  I felt like I was being followed; like someone was lingering over everything that I did. Then some kid came by the path on a bike and yelled something at me.  I didn't hear him because my iPod was all the way up.  Today is a WEIRD day.

As The One

As your friend,

I have to say I miss you.

As your lover,

I have to say I want to kiss you.

As your mother,

I have to say I’m proud of you.

As your sister,

I have to say I’m a cloud over you.

As your daughter,

I have to say I hate you.

As your wife,

I have to say I blame you.

As your best friend,

I have to say things will get better.

As your life-long lover,

I have to say I love you forever.

I can't be all, so I choose to be one.

Love it, leave it, let it go, make it happen.

Hold on to who you are, step after step.

Love me, miss me, kiss me, be forever by my side.

I WILL LOVE YOU FOREVER.

His Addiction

His addiction,

Everything he ever loved,

Was in her heart.

He left without a sound,

He crept across the floor,

As his tears stained his hands.

It hurt more than he thought;

She was too good for him,

And he was too blind to notice.

She wasn’t the air he breathed,

Nor was she the food he ate.

Rather, she was his fix.

He shot her up, and he shot her out.

Guarding himself, he put off a cool demeanor,

All the while hiding his insecurities,

And praying things would get better.

He hid behind his fears,

While she had a smile on her face,

And not a care in the world.

He began to dream of different suns and sad days.

She dreamt of the eyes of a loved one.

He took it and walked away,

And she walked by him and sang her songs.

It Is What It Was

It’s that moment in time when you look into someone’s eyes and know you have them under your spell, the look that then fabricates itself into comfort and loses the mysteriousness.  When you’ve got someone – like truly have someone – you feel like you can do anything and no one is going to stop you.  It’s not love at all, but more of a fascination with the other person.  You don’t know what they are capable of, but it doesn’t matter because you just want to look into their eyes all-day and wonder.  It’s the first thing you say and the last thing you think when you walk away from them for the first time, and the only thing you can think about when they’re gone.  You smile when you think about all the things you can do; it’s like starting your life over with no walls.  It’s building a new life with yourself, and creating an image that you think accurately portrays who you are, what you have done, and where you want to go.  You see it, you touch it, and it disappears when the feelings of comfort take over.  After that, all you can hope for is to look into their eyes and see it just one more time, just a tiny glint of mystery.  It’s like a game you play with them, or a story you tell with the look on your face and the expression in your eyes.  But you never win because you want them to feel like they are winning all by themselves.  It doesn’t hurt when they leave if the sparkle is gone, so when they walk away for the last time, it is the way you shake your head, thinking about what they could have had with you.  They thought they knew you, but there was so much more.  It’s the way you see them a week later and the only thing you want to do is tell them what they are missing out on because they didn’t know what they had while it was still theirs.  It is and it isn’t, it wasn’t and won’t be, it makes you laugh and it hurts, but when it’s over, it’s over.  It’s the prick of a finger that draws the blood that stains your clothes, and the shirt you don’t wear anymore.  It’s how you push it out of your mind until it is so far gone that you can’t remember if it was even there.  It is a reinvention of everything you knew, and the hope that the look will reappear in another.  

Fix Me

I tensed up my left hand without realizing it, but as I looked into your eyes and read your lips, my hand slowly started to relax.

I didn’t want you to see what I was thinking about, so I turned my head away so that you would leave me alone.

You softly parted your lips and told me that I looked beautiful tonight.

I tried my hardest not to smile because I couldn’t be sure if you were being serious.

While I was still looking away, I closed both of my eyes so tightly that I felt as if the mascara on my lashes were going to stick together forever.

They were still shut when I leaned on your shoulder.  Slowly but surely, my right leg began to go limp. My neck followed soon after.

I was half asleep when a love scene in the movie brought my attention back to the position I was lying in and my body became tense once more.

This time, when I slowly lifted my chin up to look at you, all it took for me to fall back into bliss was a glance to your brown eyes and I was gone once more.

I was still looking at you when my eyelids closed and my face moved towards yours. 

You smiled and you were so close to me that I could feel it.  You weren’t touching me but I still knew.

Then when our lips finally touched, I felt your teeth softly open up my lips and the next thing I knew, we were kissing. 

The emotions flooded straight up to my head and I cringed in confusion.

Was I supposed to take this as a sign, that maybe you cared about me now and wanted something more?

I couldn’t just accept this kiss as nothing, so I pulled away from you.  I asked you what this meant for us and all you said was that you didn’t know, but you liked where it was going.

I felt hurt, but when my eyes combed your face, I just couldn’t stand backing out now.

So I leaned in again.  You took my hair in your left hand and kissed me.  It was almost violent but loving at the same so I embraced it.

Then, suddenly, my slow heartbeat turned faster and faster and I didn’t understand why yet at the same time I didn’t care.

You were my safe haven for those few minutes and I couldn’t have been happier; I was there with you because I didn’t want anyone else.

Now, months later, your image is gone from my mind.  You are the boy that I spent time with and nothing more. 

Sometimes I hope that it hurts you but at the same time I wish that it would simply hurt me less than it hurts right now.

If you want to, open up the pages of my book.  I am there, waiting to be held, treasured, annotated, and re-read. 

Whatever you do, just remember those nights when worries turned into smiles and tears turned into laughs.

Life Lessons

Just when I thought that my life was becoming easier to understand, I fell into this state of sudden realization.  I am in South Dakota with Alyssa Burke and I am finding out who I am.  It seems almost naïve, but I feel like this could be a turning point for me.  Of course, this trip isn’t about me in the very least, but I feel like maybe this is exactly what I need.

·            Words aren’t always necessary.  Sometimes it isn’t weird to be with someone and be completely silent.  Take in your surroundings and if you feel compelled to talk, then do so.

·            Don’t be afraid of something you don’t know just because it is different.  Even if it is foreign to you doesn’t mean that it is harmful.

·            As hard as it may be or as much as you feel like you don’t want to, do the right thing, especially when you are asked to.  It is incredibly obnoxious when someone just sits there and continually asks for things.  Get your ass up and live your life for yourself.

·            Be honest with people.  Tell them when you are and aren’t having fun and what you are feeling. Don’t be mushy, just straightforward.

·            Appreciate the things around you and what you are doing at a specific moment.

·            Say “please” and “thank you” when someone is asking you something or gives you something. You know how it looks if you don’t and you don’t want to be a brat.

·            Be mindful of others and make sure that it’s not all about you.  It can make you feel uncomfortable, but if it’s the right thing then don’t worry about it.

·            Do something nice for someone when they don’t expect it.  I don’t care how lazy you are.  Get up off your ass and make a difference every once in awhile.

·            Take care of yourself.  You don’t need to wear makeup every second or anything but just be conscious of your body and face and mind.

·            Admit your faults and fears.  Don’t be afraid to state your weaknesses.

·            Be a leader.  When you know you need to step up, just do it.  Be the kind of person who sees problems, fixes them, moves on, and gets positive.  Don’t let people out-do you when you are the one in charge.

·            Don’t write fiction unless it contains truth.  Cliché isn’t real life; it is made up.  It wouldn’t be cliché if it weren’t based on lies.

·            There are going to be many times in your life when you can make things up to make yourself seem “cooler” or more cultured, but don’t even do it.  You are yourself and you need to hold on to that.  Maintain your values and don’t do anything stupid “just because.”

·            Don’t talk when you should be silent.  Speak your mind but listen when you know you should.  The time will come when you will grow up and practice your listening skills without having to think about it. 

·            Don’t let your parents or anyone else think that you don’t love your family.  If they get the impression that you don’t, then you are definitely doing something wrong and you need to fix that.

·            Try your best to maintain a constant attitude.  For example, if you’re having a bad day you don’t need to fake happiness or draw attention to yourself just because you feel sorry for yourself.

·            Be someone who deserves respect.  Hopefully you will know what that means when the time is right. 

·            Be hard on yourself when it is necessary.  Don’t think you’re the shit just because someone tells you not to take it personally.  Get real.  If it was your fault, then take responsibility for it.

·             When you meet people for the first time, especially adults, shake their hand.  If they don’t extend theirs, extend yours.

·            When you have kids, teach them the meaning of respect so that when the time comes, they don’t embarrass you by being a damn brat.

·            Stand tall and proud of who you are and what you have become.

·            Stop and think about what is going on across the world at random times and pay attention to the news and current events so that you aren’t just in your own world.

·            Have fun with whatever you’re doing.  If others find joy in it then you can too.

·            Cry when you need to.  It isn’t a weakness to let yourself go, it is a sign of competence.

The Wall

I kissed you through the wall last night, but you had no idea.

It was cold from the midnight air, but where your body was lying next to mine, it was warm. 

Ain’t it funny how people can be invisible to you?

I try to notice you all the time because I don’t want to lose sight of you.

You are beautiful to me but I am not good enough for you.

I still kiss you goodnight, though. I am not sure where your bed is in the other room so I kiss you through every part of my wall until I reach the warm spot and I know that you are there.

You must sleep right up against these white-washed walls because there is no way that I would be able to feel your body heat through that thick of a wall if you didn’t.

I read you a story last night, too.  I told you about Chris McCandless and his adventure “into the wild.” 

You were fast asleep, snoring, with your face right up against the wall.

I can actually see you through the wall sometimes, when I close my eyes and I hear your music coming from the other room.

I love not knowing who you are or what you are doing in your room.  I’m sure you act different around your roommate than you do when you are sitting quietly in the lounge. 

Kiss me, please.  Just kiss me once through your wall.  I am always here. 

Leaning up against my wall now, I can feel you leaning up against your side.  It feels so good to have you by my side.

You left me alone to contemplate my life yesterday. You weren’t in your room the whole day.

What am I supposed to do when you aren’t there? I don’t have a television in my room, so I can’t watch cartoons like you do.

I felt the rain on my fingertips last night.  I stuck my hand out of the window, and as I did, I saw your fingers come out of your window. 

Then you crawled out, through the wall.  You snuck into my room and as I stepped back, you kissed me.  You came out of the wall and you kissed me.

The Day Washes Over Me

Tonight will be the night that I will fall for you,

Over again.

Don’t make me change my mind,

Because I won’t live to see another day.

I swear it’s true,

Because a girl like you is impossible to find…

You’re impossible to find.

-Secondhand Serenade

 

The beauty of life is that it isn’t measured in money or wealth; instead, it is measured in what you accomplish and who you have been able to have an impact on.  It is hard to think that maybe the things that we have done aren’t enough to make us the person we want to be.  Or perhaps it is the things that we haven’t done that make our fate difficult to comprehend.  Whatever it may be, everyone wants to do something that defines them, whether it be saving a life or making enough money to keep their family alive.  It all depends on what kind of person they wish to convey to the rest of the world. 

 

I feel like I belong with you,

Like everything terrible disappears when I am around you and I can start over.

You took away the pain I felt when I was so alone,

And I forgot for those moments the problems that have forever haunted me. 

The laugh that came from my lips was sincere and I knew that I wasn’t trying to impress anyone.

I walked upon your skin for simply short minutes,

But with them, my heart walked on.

Tied on a string, I was finally happy and it couldn’t have been better.

You saw the tear on my face and softly wiped it away.

What I would do to live inside of you,

Where my soul forever lays amongst the ashes.

The sun shone down on my head

And when I looked up, Heaven was above me.

Blinded by the love you showed,

I stopped and saw myself in your glare.

 

Everything starts as a “blank document.”  When we want a clean slate we can get it, but it is never as easy as we want it to be.  People say that life is hard, and they are totally right, but the thing is that we can’t use that as an excuse to stay dirty.  

When I Open My Mouth

When I open my mouth, it hurts to know that maybe what I say will not be accepted as the truth.  I don’t lie to you because I care what you think about me; I shouldn’t give a shit but how can I not wonder what you are thinking all the time.  My consonants and vowels are condemned by the look on your face, but when I am silent, you don’t even notice me.

Always On My Mind

Who ISN’T selfish. I mean, let’s get real; if someone says that they are doing something completely for another person, they are lying.  Even if you are helping the poor and never doing anything to take care of yourself, one, that is just stupid, and two, you are still getting something out of it; you are gaining perspective on who you are, what you do, the people you know, where you want to go, etc.

No matter what, we are always left to fend for ourselves and take care of the person that we have become.  Throughout experiences, we can lose everything, including people around us, loved ones, and material objects, but we are US. The thing is that some people believe that they have lost themselves when something bad happens, so they pick themselves up, only to fall back down.  We have to see that no matter what, we have ourselves to rely on.  It sounds lonely, and it sounds incredibly sad, but it is the truth, especially when you look at the big picture; no one else can fix us, we singly have the power to change.

Funny thing is… it takes our own initiative to figure out what to change and how to go about making ourselves into the people we are.  We have to fight for what we have and then fight to let it go when the time is right; the inner struggle can be harder than the outer one.

 

 

I thought I knew my place, I thought I knew where I was going, and yet I am just falling through the cracks once more, only to find myself in the place I call strange.

I don’t want you to be just another face that I see everyday. I want you to be the one.

Is It Over Yet?

You told me to come back home to you, but “home” is nowhere to be found.

I have been sitting on your doorstep for hours, wondering how the hell my feet are staying in place.

I feel like I should be running from you, not staring at my tear-stained shoes wishing you were here.

It is so bad for me to be here, just please let me walk away.

Tell me now that I can leave because I am done feeling nothing.  It is not fair for me to watch you walk away.

I will never sit here again, waiting hopelessly for you to come back.

I cannot go through the motions; that part of my life is over. 

I must begin now to release you from my mind.

Attaching you to a rope would be the worst thing I could ever do because of the feelings that are bottled up inside me, never to be released with you still here.

Let me start over!  Just leave me to my own devices without trying to fuck up my life.

There is no beauty in manipulation and I will not allow you to rip me apart like this.

Still staring at the ground, a single tear drops to the floor and a tingle runs from my head to my toes.

The tighter I close my eyes, the shorter my breaths get and soon I cannot speak or even think at all.

It is that feeling of not knowing that I hate to feel taking over my head,

It is ripping at me, telling me that I am worth nothing and eventually it leaves me for dead.

That doesn’t make it fair and that doesn’t make it all right for you to make me wait like this, a broken mess sitting on your steps with everything to lose.

That Time

It is a time of wonder and freedom; we are a profound secret, unbeknownst even to ourselves.  I want all of you, wrapped around my heart and tangled up in my head.  The sickness in my stomach is absolutely killing me, as I am scared of what you will think of me.  Be rash, take my hand, and let’s wander around together in confusion.  You confuse me, but I don’t care because one day, I will know you better than you know yourself.  The imperfect understanding that I long for is so far away, but that isn’t what is intimidating to me; it is the time that I have to be free and wonder about you. Now is the time, and I am ready to freefall.  I deserve you, and I can’t wait to love you and be loved in return.

Nudge

This is the worst pain I have felt this semester, with love knocking on my door, I let it in, only to find that I have been completely robbed when I try to make it comfortable.  My valuables are gone, and there is nothing but tears filling up the void of what used to sit on my nightstand and the trophies that I kept on my desk.  As if that wasn’t enough, it ran off before I could even catch it.  I want to report it to the police, turn it in, put it behind bars, and never see it again, but I can’t do that.  I want what it has to offer, and I want the life that it can give me.  I hug everything that I own, keeping it close and making sure that at least those things can stay with me.  My family and friends are all that I have, but they are a temporary fix for my addiction to love.

Cultural Anthropology "Notes"

It haunts me until I can’t take it anymore; I feel like I am on a tilt-a-whirl at a cheap carnival.  Every time I think I have lost it, it comes back and the feeling makes me sick.  I trembled in confusion when you left because it just wasn’t right.  With my head in my hands, thoughts coursed through my veins and I couldn’t block them from my brain.  I know what I have to do and it seems easy enough, but there is someone else.  He is unlike you in every way, and he has the advantage of familiarity.  I can see more what lies in his heart, and it makes me want to see what troubles you and experiences you have had that have shaped you into who you are.  Still in shock about the recent events, I can’t help but compare the two of you side-by-side.  It reminds me of Ross in Friends when he makes the list of pros and cons.  He is my Rachel, and you’re the girl whose name slips my mind.  I hate that I feel this way when someone good like you finally comes along, but I can’t help it. 

            After an interesting class this afternoon where I took notes and learned about evolution, I have been thinking about how love and feelings have changed between the first primates and modern human beings as we are today.  I know that I’m not alone, but it feels like it now because I am going through one of those phases where I feel completely unique on every level. 

 

YOUR HEART ON MY SLEEVE.

I remember when you put your arm around me for the first time. 

It weighed heavily on my side as my slow breaths drew ever slower.

When you took it away and moved it closer to your own core,

I still felt the imprint of it in my ribs.  While you drew back, my eyes closed and a smile appeared.

You couldn’t see my face, but I think you would have liked what you saw.

I wish that I could say I was confused by your actions, but it didn’t even matter to me. 

Immediately I was comfortable in your arms and your little gestures allowed for you to see me laugh and giggle.

I want you to teach me more, I want to know you in and out and go places with you. 

I don’t love you, but I desire simply to spend time with you. 

But when night falls, I am left alone with your arm weighing me down, wondering.

 

 MYSTERY.

 

It is that time when I see faces, but no names. 

It is the mystery when you walk into a crowded room.

It might be who I think you are.

It feels like a sideways glance.

It was all those times when I thought about you,

But had no idea who you were.

 

MOST BORING MOVIE EVER.

He wraps his arm around my side.  Shit, he is touching me.  My heart begins to pound abnormally fast and my stomach turns.  Does this mean something else?  Of course it does, I know how much he likes me.  His fingertips softly comb my fingers and arm.  It tingles a little bit, and shivers begin to run up my spine.  His other hand then moves up to my hair, and he brushes it away from my face.  Ow, my knee hurts… stretch it out a little.  I adjust my legs and move them closer to his.  I want nothing more than to lay him on his back and give him a soft kiss, the kind that pulls the skin on our lips outward gently and leaves him wanting more.  I want my left hand on his chest over his heart and my right up in his hair.  I want my chin on his chest next to my hand and I want to talk to him about everything, but the movie is rolling on and his roommate is in full view.  Fuck, my eyes hurt and I have to go pee.  I get up, tell him I will be right back, and head down the hall.  My eyes close tightly and my brain goes insane.  I ignore the feeling, go back, and curl up next to him, smile, and know that the time will come when my simple daydream will come true.