Finally here!

I've been in Santa Barbara for a week and 2 days now. It is seriously awesome. It is everything that I wanted it to be. Maybe I am everything that I want to be now. I feel like I am making connections with good people and they are giving me what I want: the time of day. Feeling like I matter is amazing in the sense that I get to be myself and people understand me. Honestly, I don't think I could be in a better place right now.

I think

I think I am finally happy. I think that getting my place in Santa Breezy is all I needed to give me a little spring in my step. It is so enjoyable knowing that I have something ahead of me that is somewhere else. I feel like I did when I was about to move up to San Francisco, but this time I know what to expect and I know what I want. I am doing it on my own; I am living the dream. SUCK IT.

Summer... Where the Fuck Are You?

It's time to move on. It is time to get out of here and start an entirely new life. The songs that play on repeat tell me that summer is near. That means that I am getting out of here sooner than I realize. Unfortunately, it is not soon enough for me. Every day is like a struggle; I have no friends here. I wait restlessly for a time when I can call up a few people and have them over for a few hours. It is terribly depressing when you had incredibly vague plans to hang out with someone and when they cancel on me because they are too busy, my entire life seems to fall apart.

Then I try to play it off like it's not a big deal... because I know that it shouldn't be. It sucks to feel like such a dumbass. Ughh, then I get stuck in this rut where all I want to do is talk to somebody, but how can I expect people that I have basically tossed to the side to come to my rescue when I'm lonely? I hope desperately that when I finally get out of here, I will be able to ACTUALLY fucking start over. I can't live like this anymore; I found myself for awhile, but I completely lost it today. Fuck this bullshit.

I will snap out of it. I WILL. I have to because this is getting absolutely ridiculous. I feel like such a freak feeling like this, but then some crazy ass bitch in my ceramics class somehow knows the hottest kid I have ever seen at GCC. Like... WHAT? No, I am not alright with this shit. If I can't be myself, then of COURSE I'm not going to have friends. It is also sad when I turn to the people that I've been avoiding to help me out when I need to talk to someone. I am desperate for a few people to just chill with. I am a huuuuuge bitch and I hate myself for it. I had a few weeks in there where all I wanted was what I got. Now I want to ditch the bullshit and get the fuck out of here. Soon. SOON.

I... I... FEEL GOOD.

To have life completely figured out is always out of reach and will never happen for me, or anyone. But I think that I am finally at a place in my life where I know what I want and where I want to be. It sounds kind of ridiculous, but it feels great. I am crossing my fingers that I will get a job, because that is all I need to make this dream come true. I am going to be screaming "FUCK IT, I'M CHANGING MY LIFE!" while I am driving through Santa Breezy in my G-Ride.

Be Jealous. And send me all your best wishes, please.

You vs. Yourself

Jungle madness, tying of shoes,

Pens on paper, gulping of water,

Lip syncing, stolen radios.

The world muted, one single tear

Echoes through hallways.

Despair screams desperately.

Walls resound in glory; victory,

If only for but one.

Vibrant light gleams off hands.

He knows not, harm comes.

To her, not but a spark,

Clumsy steps taken.

Fingers and toes, hands and bones.

Abandon ship; jump from the bow,

Ties tied tight through steel.

Untitleable

A one-man army and fighting for the wrong side, he was ignorant and blind. He stormed through his everyday life – that was an infinite trench of warfare – with no one but himself sprinting through his head. Although hatred pounded upon him like bullets, he felt no pain. In this state, he was recognizable and so utterly familiar that those around were shaken. It seemed as if a spasm of space and time had brought these events to a head and the aftermath was disastrous; objects were slain in a battle of wits. Sheer strength had murdered the immortal soldiers that had fought courageously for composure.

Again he shuddered, dodging the words of the enemy soldiers, still bracing arms for combat. He could not lay down his arms, but it was not due to relentlessness or courage; fear coursed through his veins like thick glue and stuck to the walls. Slow motion set in as the hearts beat like basketballs being bounced off of glass rapidly and repeatedly, but no one took any notice. The room moved sluggishly, yet quickly closed in around the characters.

Suddenly, the soldiers formed a small circle, facing outward to face the enemy of animosity surrounding them, closing in on their ranks. Defenses were up, emotions ran high, though the officers told them to stand down. Reluctantly, the tiny soldiers surrendered, and the sound of crying eyes and broken hearts rang clear across the battlefield.

FUCK

This is not my first day at this school. This is the first time I have written about this school though and I don’t know what to say about it. I feel like I have been tumbling through a rabbit hole like Alice. I wonder now if I have found my safe haven here in San Francisco. I guess Eagles has been my safe haven for so long that I have overlooked all of the important things in my life.

My heart is beating so fast right now that I cannot control it. I think I am excited for what is to come. I don’t know what that is at all but I feel that it will be good. Melanie and I wore fake mustaches one day. It was great. I saw some stupid girl from my old school and I wanted to sock her in the face because she was gossiping about us with her stupid fat friend. That’s right; I went there. I have met some awesome people here. Then there are the ones that were so tight in the beginning who ended up being Jesus freaks. I wonder who everyone was before they came here, you know? Like, was Paul always funny? I am not sure and I don’t think I ever will be. I fear what I am becoming here because it is all too good to be true. I feel as if my heart is sinking now, never to come up again.

Can’t you save me? You seem to be there for me when we are apart but how can I be sure? I don’t want another pity-filled wanker. You may have claimed that you are in relationships for the full experience but I have been told so many things in my life that I can never know what is real and what is going to come back and bite me in the ass. Jeff was the only honest boy I have ever dated, and even that didn’t work out. Perhaps I don’t even deserve someone like him to sweep me off my feet and deliver me to the stars. I don’t think I do. I mean, yeah, people might say that there are always the ones that break your heart to lead you to the right one but I haven’t even had my heart broken.

I have never felt love before. Ever. I want to so bad, and that is probably the reason why I haven’t. It feels like shit to know you have never been loved in that way. I don’t want artificial love. I want the real thing. Don’t tell me that you can give it to me if you can’t. It’s not that I am holding out for the perfect one and that is all I will accept. The thing is that I guess I am afraid to open myself up. I fear that no one will like what I have inside, that my views are mundane and useless. Is that fair to me? He doesn’t look like the one for me but I feel like there is so much more for me to discover under those eyes, that face, the way he looks at me, and the way he picks me up, only to drop me seconds later. I treasure my moments with him because I am afraid that they will end before I can get all I need to say in.

I am not in love. I only wish I could be. I am not even making up my obsession for him because I am not obsessed. I really do want to get to know him so bad. I want to pick apart his life and in turn tell him all about mine. I have so much to offer but I have never been able to pour it out on anyone. I have never had enough time to give of myself all I have to offer. Pour my heart out? Alright. Just give me some time and you got it. I would love to sit with someone for days at a time just discussing life, views, even art with them. I don’t care what we say. I just want to be with someone for that length of time and be happy throughout the entire experience. I want to be able to open myself up to someone, anyone. Well, I guess that isn’t true actually because I want it to be someone who will appreciate what I have to say because I know if they do then I will because things like that have to be mutual.

I am falling again. But this time my hole is abstract. Confusion is what is taking hold now and I hate it. The thing is that if I look up for a single moment my heart stops and I wonder what he is thinking about. See, if we had had that talk already I might not be wondering that. That’s why. I want to know someone inside and out without holding back. Tell me your life story and why you felt that way at that specific moment. Please. I am an open book. I am so unwritten it is not even funny. Of course, I have experienced plenty of things that have defined me as who I am today but in reality I am virtually nothing. I know he could teach me a thing or two about himself but I feel like he would be almost bored with what I have to say.

Scratch that. You know what? I just realized that my experiences are completely mental. They weren’t necessarily things that actually happened. They are just thoughts I had at certain times in my life. I am happy that I am documenting my thoughts right now because I feel like maybe this will help me to figure out my life. Nevermind. Life can’t be figured out by writing anything down. As a matter of fact, life can NEVER be fully figured out.

I just smiled but I shouldn’t have. I am deep in thought and that just ruined my whole entire train of emotion. Where was I? I don’t even know. Maybe I never will. What the fuck am I saying? Of course I will know. If not now, then eventually. Why did I start cussing in this excerpt from my life? I cuss way too much and I absolutely love it. I feel like I am unleashing myself and not guarding my words. I just can’t let things slip when I am at home because I need to be a good example. Normally I would say fuck that. I don’t like putting quotes. It takes too damn long.

I am jealous. I want to be her right now. Just right in this moment. Getting more action than I have in awhile. If only I were perfect. Yeah, shut up. I know that no one is perfect. But I know you know what I am talking about. If there could be one perfect person I would want it to me. Okay, seriously, shut the fuck up. I know I am stupid and I also know that you like it.

Speak to me. You don’t need to tell me that you love me but come on; you can at least let me know what’s on your mind. Are you scared? Because I am not scared one bit. I just want to know how the fuck watching Spiderman changed our talks and made you take your eyes away from me so quickly. Looks turned into glances and I feel lost. How can you not tell me? I don’t even fucking like you. Don’t flatter yourself just because you feel like you’re too good. Fuck you. Sure, you can say you didn’t do anything wrong because you didn’t but is that fair to me? You totally knew what you were doing and saying to me and you blew it off after we were alone for over an hour. Why doesn’t that make sense to me? Oh yeah. It must be because you HURT me. I want a friend, not a lover. Goddamnit. Why did you fucking misread me? I am an open book. I am ready to be read, pages turned and lips moving to the words.

I never felt alone, until I met you. Thank you, Third Eye Blind. I love that you just described my life. That was perfect timing. Eat your heart out, boys. I am not a slut, but you don’t want that anyways. I might as well be; more like a mental slut than anything else, but if that works for you then go for it. Fuck me over. Get just close enough for NOTHING to happen and then leave me. I don’t want your stupid dick in me. I just want to be able to feel something that I have never felt before. I hate the way you look at me when you don’t look at me. No, I am not stupid. I know what I am trying to say. You know, too. You’re just in denial because you can see how uncomfortable it is for me to be around you. Now it looks like I just went to yoga because I wanted to be around you when that is not true at all. I love yoga, but now I don’t want to love it because, as good as it makes me feel, I don’t actually want to talk to you when your eyes are wandering about. JUST LOOK AT ME. I am not a mess and I never will be. I am a composed young lady who wants nothing more than reality.

As my paragraphs get longer my thoughts begin to race, I don’t love you because I don’t know you. My eyes hurt and I keep feeling the tears that never come. I hit my head the other day and I cried. Not for a long time, but I cried and it felt so good. Tears come to my eyes when I think of how Eagles is going to be over soon and I am going to have to face the world without my backbone. Where in the world is L.A. hat guy? Was that him that Alyssa saw on trail? No, Amy. We are talking about San Francisco right now. I know your mind likes to wander, but really. I wish someone would sit down and ask me questions like Bryan does. He is so genuinely interested in who I am and what I do. I think Paul is, too, he is just too obsessed with Becca to ask. But honestly, I am not the most complicated person ever. My feelings can be scattered but my experiences are pristine and lively but at the same time simple and easy to understand.

Please look into my eyes. Don’t tell me that I am beautiful – or even pretty – if you don’t see it. Tell me I am the ugliest thing in the world and I will respect you for telling me what you honestly see. I long for the one who will look at me, smile, and open himself up to who I am. I am not looking for a one-sided relationship though. I can guarantee that I will put my whole heart into the success of it. I saw my love in San Francisco. I don’t know what that means but I want to say it and believe it. I wonder how my life will unravel as time goes on and the days get longer and shorter at the same time. I wish I could write papers as fast as I can write this.

It is funny how easily my thoughts can turn into completely different ones in an instant. Time passes so crazily here because you literally live with all of your friends. Relationships develop so much faster than they do at home for that exact reason and I don’t know if it is good or bad.

I’m not sure if it hurts worse to have no one in your life that you can run to with every problem you have and they will hold you close and simply be there for you or to think that you don’t have that person when you actually do. I think I have more than one of those people but they just aren’t that special person. I wonder if being with boys will always be awkward to me simply because I want it so bad. I need to stop looking. My desperation is getting old but I cannot help it. He started to mess with me again yesterday, being that cute, sweet guy. It wasn’t quite as intricate as it was before I don’t think but I would look at him and he would be looking right at me. It almost scares me to think about what is going through his head when he is looking at me. I want to know but at the same time I would rather just think that he simply doesn’t like me at all.

I guess it’s just one of those days where you don’t want to talk to anyone but you wish someone would talk to you just to make you feel better. Sitting alone in my room all day, I have felt nothing but sadness and neglect. My mom calls every five minutes to ask me some dumb questions that I try to brush off but can’t. She doesn’t know that I want to cry my eyes out, and even if she did, I don’t think she would understand why I needed to get rid of this shit in my head. I just want to talk to someone who understands, but she is gone. She left this morning; my best friend left me here in San Francisco so that she could go back down to Monterey Bay and do… well, nothing. Just like me. We are so similar and I love it. I usually don’t like people who are too much like me but we share this insane bond that most people will never have.

My friends here didn’t like her, I guess. I feel uncomfortable around them today. It is like I am not the same person that I was before she came to visit. I want so badly to stay inside the whole day and cry about my life but I also know that that is the worst possible thing I could do right now. I need to get out, but at the same time I know that no one understands what I am going through right now. Talk to me, pleaseeee. I can’t take this whole ignoring thing. It isn’t working out well for me because talking is what I need. To cry on someone’s shoulder would be divine right now. I would listen, too, but I’m not going to lie and say that I would just love to hear about other people’s problems right now. I need to release some shit, but I can never do that involuntarily. I want someone to ask me if I need to talk because I would not hesitate to talk to anyone who asked.

The thing that bothers me about people is their inability to stay constant. Obviously I am not a constant person, but I would like to think that my beliefs are at least relatively steadfast. Marc is one of those guys who says something just to say it, I feel like. He claims to be “hate free” but yet he says that you can despise, loathe, or feel other types of contempt. I mean, honestly? Hate is just a word to him. I doubt that he knows what it means if he can despise people. Just because you aren’t actually SAYING that you hate something doesn’t mean that you feel just fabulous about it. He is so naïve and thinks that he is just so fucking cool. Everyone follows him around like he is some type of god and it makes me want to kill them. I HATE the way they dote upon him and feed him great food and just “care” about him so much. It isn’t caring when you are putting him on a damn pedestal and bowing down to him. For example, Marc was upset that he was leaving his room during the Tampa Bay/Boston game. Of course, when Bryan and I get back to Bryan’s room, he turns the television on… and starts watching the game. I mean, as far as I know, he doesn’t even fucking like baseball. That makes no sense. Thank god we are watching football now.

Annie reminded me (indirectly) of how I cannot just fall so easily into friendships, or relationships of course. I have to see the bigger picture before I just start to give myself up to other people. In this way, I feel that if I had seen these people for who they really were in the beginning, I would be hanging out with other people already. Maybe it is because they were hiding who they were, just like I was in the beginning, that I didn’t see anything alarming in their humor or anything that would have made me step back.

Ugh. I don’t want to cry anymore but I feel like I should. I could cry out all the liquid in my body and just go to sleep right this second. It doesn’t seem right for me to be sitting in this room doing nothing. I want to meet other people and not just be stuck with these people for the rest of this year. I want to go to the beach so bad and just lay in the sand at night, thinking about who I am and where I am going to go in my life. There are beaches that are sort of close to here, but not close enough. Plus, San Francisco is pretty sketchy at night, so that wouldn’t work. I think I might move to San Diego next year and just live, work, and go to school. That sounds absolutely divine to me. It would also be really nice to be close to Andy. Maybe not, though; maybe I should start my own life somewhere else. The thing is, my heart belongs in Southern California. Being up here isn’t doing anything for me. All it does is bring me down into this stupid swing of things that I hate. Yes, Marc. I fucking HATE it. What are you going to do about it? I hope that someday he realizes that he was such a hypocrite in his own ways and that he is not that perfect little boy he thinks he is. Just because he has been through a lot of shit in his life doesn’t give him a reason to think that he is better than other people, nevertheless his own friends.

I know that I am ragging on him, but the thing is that I don’t know where I am supposed to be and there is no one constant in my life to help me out. Andy is starting his life over in San Diego, Mom isn’t feeling all that great physically and mentally either. Pop has never been very constant in my life and I feel like I have never been able to talk to him about anything. All my Eagle kids from home are living their lives there and forgetting about me. I felt grown up before I came here, feeling like I was going to be living on my own, being responsible for myself and loving it. Now I feel like the youngest I have ever been and I don’t know what to think about it.

Where is my home? It is supposed to be here in San Francisco now but I don’t really see how I can call this place a home when I don’t even know the people here. I regret not branching out even more in the beginning of this year. I found some awesome people, but they aren’t what I need I don’t think. I need to have more than just one group of people to be with. Plus, everyone is so fake. I try not to hide my feelings about others because that is just stupid. If you don’t like someone, then fucking say it. Don’t hide behind this stupid mask thinking that you are so great because you can make fun of people when they aren’t there. The thing is, yeah, that might be funny, but funny is from high school. Now we are adults and we need to start getting real. But the question is: is anyone REALLY real?