Finally here!

I've been in Santa Barbara for a week and 2 days now. It is seriously awesome. It is everything that I wanted it to be. Maybe I am everything that I want to be now. I feel like I am making connections with good people and they are giving me what I want: the time of day. Feeling like I matter is amazing in the sense that I get to be myself and people understand me. Honestly, I don't think I could be in a better place right now.

I think

I think I am finally happy. I think that getting my place in Santa Breezy is all I needed to give me a little spring in my step. It is so enjoyable knowing that I have something ahead of me that is somewhere else. I feel like I did when I was about to move up to San Francisco, but this time I know what to expect and I know what I want. I am doing it on my own; I am living the dream. SUCK IT.

Summer... Where the Fuck Are You?

It's time to move on. It is time to get out of here and start an entirely new life. The songs that play on repeat tell me that summer is near. That means that I am getting out of here sooner than I realize. Unfortunately, it is not soon enough for me. Every day is like a struggle; I have no friends here. I wait restlessly for a time when I can call up a few people and have them over for a few hours. It is terribly depressing when you had incredibly vague plans to hang out with someone and when they cancel on me because they are too busy, my entire life seems to fall apart.

Then I try to play it off like it's not a big deal... because I know that it shouldn't be. It sucks to feel like such a dumbass. Ughh, then I get stuck in this rut where all I want to do is talk to somebody, but how can I expect people that I have basically tossed to the side to come to my rescue when I'm lonely? I hope desperately that when I finally get out of here, I will be able to ACTUALLY fucking start over. I can't live like this anymore; I found myself for awhile, but I completely lost it today. Fuck this bullshit.

I will snap out of it. I WILL. I have to because this is getting absolutely ridiculous. I feel like such a freak feeling like this, but then some crazy ass bitch in my ceramics class somehow knows the hottest kid I have ever seen at GCC. Like... WHAT? No, I am not alright with this shit. If I can't be myself, then of COURSE I'm not going to have friends. It is also sad when I turn to the people that I've been avoiding to help me out when I need to talk to someone. I am desperate for a few people to just chill with. I am a huuuuuge bitch and I hate myself for it. I had a few weeks in there where all I wanted was what I got. Now I want to ditch the bullshit and get the fuck out of here. Soon. SOON.

I... I... FEEL GOOD.

To have life completely figured out is always out of reach and will never happen for me, or anyone. But I think that I am finally at a place in my life where I know what I want and where I want to be. It sounds kind of ridiculous, but it feels great. I am crossing my fingers that I will get a job, because that is all I need to make this dream come true. I am going to be screaming "FUCK IT, I'M CHANGING MY LIFE!" while I am driving through Santa Breezy in my G-Ride.

Be Jealous. And send me all your best wishes, please.

You vs. Yourself

Jungle madness, tying of shoes,

Pens on paper, gulping of water,

Lip syncing, stolen radios.

The world muted, one single tear

Echoes through hallways.

Despair screams desperately.

Walls resound in glory; victory,

If only for but one.

Vibrant light gleams off hands.

He knows not, harm comes.

To her, not but a spark,

Clumsy steps taken.

Fingers and toes, hands and bones.

Abandon ship; jump from the bow,

Ties tied tight through steel.

Untitleable

A one-man army and fighting for the wrong side, he was ignorant and blind. He stormed through his everyday life – that was an infinite trench of warfare – with no one but himself sprinting through his head. Although hatred pounded upon him like bullets, he felt no pain. In this state, he was recognizable and so utterly familiar that those around were shaken. It seemed as if a spasm of space and time had brought these events to a head and the aftermath was disastrous; objects were slain in a battle of wits. Sheer strength had murdered the immortal soldiers that had fought courageously for composure.

Again he shuddered, dodging the words of the enemy soldiers, still bracing arms for combat. He could not lay down his arms, but it was not due to relentlessness or courage; fear coursed through his veins like thick glue and stuck to the walls. Slow motion set in as the hearts beat like basketballs being bounced off of glass rapidly and repeatedly, but no one took any notice. The room moved sluggishly, yet quickly closed in around the characters.

Suddenly, the soldiers formed a small circle, facing outward to face the enemy of animosity surrounding them, closing in on their ranks. Defenses were up, emotions ran high, though the officers told them to stand down. Reluctantly, the tiny soldiers surrendered, and the sound of crying eyes and broken hearts rang clear across the battlefield.

FUCK

This is not my first day at this school. This is the first time I have written about this school though and I don’t know what to say about it. I feel like I have been tumbling through a rabbit hole like Alice. I wonder now if I have found my safe haven here in San Francisco. I guess Eagles has been my safe haven for so long that I have overlooked all of the important things in my life.

My heart is beating so fast right now that I cannot control it. I think I am excited for what is to come. I don’t know what that is at all but I feel that it will be good. Melanie and I wore fake mustaches one day. It was great. I saw some stupid girl from my old school and I wanted to sock her in the face because she was gossiping about us with her stupid fat friend. That’s right; I went there. I have met some awesome people here. Then there are the ones that were so tight in the beginning who ended up being Jesus freaks. I wonder who everyone was before they came here, you know? Like, was Paul always funny? I am not sure and I don’t think I ever will be. I fear what I am becoming here because it is all too good to be true. I feel as if my heart is sinking now, never to come up again.

Can’t you save me? You seem to be there for me when we are apart but how can I be sure? I don’t want another pity-filled wanker. You may have claimed that you are in relationships for the full experience but I have been told so many things in my life that I can never know what is real and what is going to come back and bite me in the ass. Jeff was the only honest boy I have ever dated, and even that didn’t work out. Perhaps I don’t even deserve someone like him to sweep me off my feet and deliver me to the stars. I don’t think I do. I mean, yeah, people might say that there are always the ones that break your heart to lead you to the right one but I haven’t even had my heart broken.

I have never felt love before. Ever. I want to so bad, and that is probably the reason why I haven’t. It feels like shit to know you have never been loved in that way. I don’t want artificial love. I want the real thing. Don’t tell me that you can give it to me if you can’t. It’s not that I am holding out for the perfect one and that is all I will accept. The thing is that I guess I am afraid to open myself up. I fear that no one will like what I have inside, that my views are mundane and useless. Is that fair to me? He doesn’t look like the one for me but I feel like there is so much more for me to discover under those eyes, that face, the way he looks at me, and the way he picks me up, only to drop me seconds later. I treasure my moments with him because I am afraid that they will end before I can get all I need to say in.

I am not in love. I only wish I could be. I am not even making up my obsession for him because I am not obsessed. I really do want to get to know him so bad. I want to pick apart his life and in turn tell him all about mine. I have so much to offer but I have never been able to pour it out on anyone. I have never had enough time to give of myself all I have to offer. Pour my heart out? Alright. Just give me some time and you got it. I would love to sit with someone for days at a time just discussing life, views, even art with them. I don’t care what we say. I just want to be with someone for that length of time and be happy throughout the entire experience. I want to be able to open myself up to someone, anyone. Well, I guess that isn’t true actually because I want it to be someone who will appreciate what I have to say because I know if they do then I will because things like that have to be mutual.

I am falling again. But this time my hole is abstract. Confusion is what is taking hold now and I hate it. The thing is that if I look up for a single moment my heart stops and I wonder what he is thinking about. See, if we had had that talk already I might not be wondering that. That’s why. I want to know someone inside and out without holding back. Tell me your life story and why you felt that way at that specific moment. Please. I am an open book. I am so unwritten it is not even funny. Of course, I have experienced plenty of things that have defined me as who I am today but in reality I am virtually nothing. I know he could teach me a thing or two about himself but I feel like he would be almost bored with what I have to say.

Scratch that. You know what? I just realized that my experiences are completely mental. They weren’t necessarily things that actually happened. They are just thoughts I had at certain times in my life. I am happy that I am documenting my thoughts right now because I feel like maybe this will help me to figure out my life. Nevermind. Life can’t be figured out by writing anything down. As a matter of fact, life can NEVER be fully figured out.

I just smiled but I shouldn’t have. I am deep in thought and that just ruined my whole entire train of emotion. Where was I? I don’t even know. Maybe I never will. What the fuck am I saying? Of course I will know. If not now, then eventually. Why did I start cussing in this excerpt from my life? I cuss way too much and I absolutely love it. I feel like I am unleashing myself and not guarding my words. I just can’t let things slip when I am at home because I need to be a good example. Normally I would say fuck that. I don’t like putting quotes. It takes too damn long.

I am jealous. I want to be her right now. Just right in this moment. Getting more action than I have in awhile. If only I were perfect. Yeah, shut up. I know that no one is perfect. But I know you know what I am talking about. If there could be one perfect person I would want it to me. Okay, seriously, shut the fuck up. I know I am stupid and I also know that you like it.

Speak to me. You don’t need to tell me that you love me but come on; you can at least let me know what’s on your mind. Are you scared? Because I am not scared one bit. I just want to know how the fuck watching Spiderman changed our talks and made you take your eyes away from me so quickly. Looks turned into glances and I feel lost. How can you not tell me? I don’t even fucking like you. Don’t flatter yourself just because you feel like you’re too good. Fuck you. Sure, you can say you didn’t do anything wrong because you didn’t but is that fair to me? You totally knew what you were doing and saying to me and you blew it off after we were alone for over an hour. Why doesn’t that make sense to me? Oh yeah. It must be because you HURT me. I want a friend, not a lover. Goddamnit. Why did you fucking misread me? I am an open book. I am ready to be read, pages turned and lips moving to the words.

I never felt alone, until I met you. Thank you, Third Eye Blind. I love that you just described my life. That was perfect timing. Eat your heart out, boys. I am not a slut, but you don’t want that anyways. I might as well be; more like a mental slut than anything else, but if that works for you then go for it. Fuck me over. Get just close enough for NOTHING to happen and then leave me. I don’t want your stupid dick in me. I just want to be able to feel something that I have never felt before. I hate the way you look at me when you don’t look at me. No, I am not stupid. I know what I am trying to say. You know, too. You’re just in denial because you can see how uncomfortable it is for me to be around you. Now it looks like I just went to yoga because I wanted to be around you when that is not true at all. I love yoga, but now I don’t want to love it because, as good as it makes me feel, I don’t actually want to talk to you when your eyes are wandering about. JUST LOOK AT ME. I am not a mess and I never will be. I am a composed young lady who wants nothing more than reality.

As my paragraphs get longer my thoughts begin to race, I don’t love you because I don’t know you. My eyes hurt and I keep feeling the tears that never come. I hit my head the other day and I cried. Not for a long time, but I cried and it felt so good. Tears come to my eyes when I think of how Eagles is going to be over soon and I am going to have to face the world without my backbone. Where in the world is L.A. hat guy? Was that him that Alyssa saw on trail? No, Amy. We are talking about San Francisco right now. I know your mind likes to wander, but really. I wish someone would sit down and ask me questions like Bryan does. He is so genuinely interested in who I am and what I do. I think Paul is, too, he is just too obsessed with Becca to ask. But honestly, I am not the most complicated person ever. My feelings can be scattered but my experiences are pristine and lively but at the same time simple and easy to understand.

Please look into my eyes. Don’t tell me that I am beautiful – or even pretty – if you don’t see it. Tell me I am the ugliest thing in the world and I will respect you for telling me what you honestly see. I long for the one who will look at me, smile, and open himself up to who I am. I am not looking for a one-sided relationship though. I can guarantee that I will put my whole heart into the success of it. I saw my love in San Francisco. I don’t know what that means but I want to say it and believe it. I wonder how my life will unravel as time goes on and the days get longer and shorter at the same time. I wish I could write papers as fast as I can write this.

It is funny how easily my thoughts can turn into completely different ones in an instant. Time passes so crazily here because you literally live with all of your friends. Relationships develop so much faster than they do at home for that exact reason and I don’t know if it is good or bad.

I’m not sure if it hurts worse to have no one in your life that you can run to with every problem you have and they will hold you close and simply be there for you or to think that you don’t have that person when you actually do. I think I have more than one of those people but they just aren’t that special person. I wonder if being with boys will always be awkward to me simply because I want it so bad. I need to stop looking. My desperation is getting old but I cannot help it. He started to mess with me again yesterday, being that cute, sweet guy. It wasn’t quite as intricate as it was before I don’t think but I would look at him and he would be looking right at me. It almost scares me to think about what is going through his head when he is looking at me. I want to know but at the same time I would rather just think that he simply doesn’t like me at all.

I guess it’s just one of those days where you don’t want to talk to anyone but you wish someone would talk to you just to make you feel better. Sitting alone in my room all day, I have felt nothing but sadness and neglect. My mom calls every five minutes to ask me some dumb questions that I try to brush off but can’t. She doesn’t know that I want to cry my eyes out, and even if she did, I don’t think she would understand why I needed to get rid of this shit in my head. I just want to talk to someone who understands, but she is gone. She left this morning; my best friend left me here in San Francisco so that she could go back down to Monterey Bay and do… well, nothing. Just like me. We are so similar and I love it. I usually don’t like people who are too much like me but we share this insane bond that most people will never have.

My friends here didn’t like her, I guess. I feel uncomfortable around them today. It is like I am not the same person that I was before she came to visit. I want so badly to stay inside the whole day and cry about my life but I also know that that is the worst possible thing I could do right now. I need to get out, but at the same time I know that no one understands what I am going through right now. Talk to me, pleaseeee. I can’t take this whole ignoring thing. It isn’t working out well for me because talking is what I need. To cry on someone’s shoulder would be divine right now. I would listen, too, but I’m not going to lie and say that I would just love to hear about other people’s problems right now. I need to release some shit, but I can never do that involuntarily. I want someone to ask me if I need to talk because I would not hesitate to talk to anyone who asked.

The thing that bothers me about people is their inability to stay constant. Obviously I am not a constant person, but I would like to think that my beliefs are at least relatively steadfast. Marc is one of those guys who says something just to say it, I feel like. He claims to be “hate free” but yet he says that you can despise, loathe, or feel other types of contempt. I mean, honestly? Hate is just a word to him. I doubt that he knows what it means if he can despise people. Just because you aren’t actually SAYING that you hate something doesn’t mean that you feel just fabulous about it. He is so naïve and thinks that he is just so fucking cool. Everyone follows him around like he is some type of god and it makes me want to kill them. I HATE the way they dote upon him and feed him great food and just “care” about him so much. It isn’t caring when you are putting him on a damn pedestal and bowing down to him. For example, Marc was upset that he was leaving his room during the Tampa Bay/Boston game. Of course, when Bryan and I get back to Bryan’s room, he turns the television on… and starts watching the game. I mean, as far as I know, he doesn’t even fucking like baseball. That makes no sense. Thank god we are watching football now.

Annie reminded me (indirectly) of how I cannot just fall so easily into friendships, or relationships of course. I have to see the bigger picture before I just start to give myself up to other people. In this way, I feel that if I had seen these people for who they really were in the beginning, I would be hanging out with other people already. Maybe it is because they were hiding who they were, just like I was in the beginning, that I didn’t see anything alarming in their humor or anything that would have made me step back.

Ugh. I don’t want to cry anymore but I feel like I should. I could cry out all the liquid in my body and just go to sleep right this second. It doesn’t seem right for me to be sitting in this room doing nothing. I want to meet other people and not just be stuck with these people for the rest of this year. I want to go to the beach so bad and just lay in the sand at night, thinking about who I am and where I am going to go in my life. There are beaches that are sort of close to here, but not close enough. Plus, San Francisco is pretty sketchy at night, so that wouldn’t work. I think I might move to San Diego next year and just live, work, and go to school. That sounds absolutely divine to me. It would also be really nice to be close to Andy. Maybe not, though; maybe I should start my own life somewhere else. The thing is, my heart belongs in Southern California. Being up here isn’t doing anything for me. All it does is bring me down into this stupid swing of things that I hate. Yes, Marc. I fucking HATE it. What are you going to do about it? I hope that someday he realizes that he was such a hypocrite in his own ways and that he is not that perfect little boy he thinks he is. Just because he has been through a lot of shit in his life doesn’t give him a reason to think that he is better than other people, nevertheless his own friends.

I know that I am ragging on him, but the thing is that I don’t know where I am supposed to be and there is no one constant in my life to help me out. Andy is starting his life over in San Diego, Mom isn’t feeling all that great physically and mentally either. Pop has never been very constant in my life and I feel like I have never been able to talk to him about anything. All my Eagle kids from home are living their lives there and forgetting about me. I felt grown up before I came here, feeling like I was going to be living on my own, being responsible for myself and loving it. Now I feel like the youngest I have ever been and I don’t know what to think about it.

Where is my home? It is supposed to be here in San Francisco now but I don’t really see how I can call this place a home when I don’t even know the people here. I regret not branching out even more in the beginning of this year. I found some awesome people, but they aren’t what I need I don’t think. I need to have more than just one group of people to be with. Plus, everyone is so fake. I try not to hide my feelings about others because that is just stupid. If you don’t like someone, then fucking say it. Don’t hide behind this stupid mask thinking that you are so great because you can make fun of people when they aren’t there. The thing is, yeah, that might be funny, but funny is from high school. Now we are adults and we need to start getting real. But the question is: is anyone REALLY real?

Rest Easy

Your hand brushes my hair away from my face and it is hard for me to tell whether you think I am beautiful and delicate enough to touch or if you were bothered by my unruly hair. I have fallen for this act time and time again and I know that I will continue to do so unless I am taught to keep myself roped in. This time felt different, though, because you weren’t trying to get anything from me; you seemed to want nothing but to hold me tight, keeping me safe and keeping me with you. “We Are Only An Image Of The Past” is one of the songs on the CD you gave me of your band’s old music. I hate how accurate the music really is in explaining my love life; the past three minutes have been terribly nostalgic for me, missing the times when I felt safe and loved. But like a bad movie, my thoughts cut to when those loving people decided to leave me alone to rot until someone else picked me up, dropping me on my ass to be alone again.

I am nothing more than a crazy girl. “All boys are stupid and all girls are crazy, some are just better at hiding it than others,” is what Theresa says about this matter. I have to agree with her because no matter how relaxed I think I am or try to be, words and actions of others still eat at me and I get confused because of myself. It doesn’t make sense until I stop and think that I have never been truly wanted by a boy who could actually marry me and have a life with me. As a matter of fact, it sucks that – besides Jeff and our awkward peck and then first-ever make-out sesh in my house – I have never been kissed more than once by any guy. If that’s not sad, then I have no idea what is. Well, actually, I do, because I know girls who have still never been kissed, but that is also a good kind of sad because boys at least value them enough to leave them alone and not hurt them as opposed to simply using and abusing them to the absolute core.

I want to know what every guy is thinking when he is ignoring me because although I know all of them are “stupid,” I don’t see how any human being would think that it is a good idea to not talk to someone after you have shared an intimate moment with them. I don’t care who you are; if you spend any sort of time with someone, you care about them at least a little bit and you are at the very least casual friends. So it confuses the shit out of me when they literally cut off contact with me. Toby, for example, wouldn’t respond to me at all and even when he was “online,” his “sister” told me that he was in the hospital. When I asked him about it later, he said something along the lines of, “Oh, sorry, I guess you just aren’t my type.” UHHHH. Yeah, thanks, buddy. This was over instant messaging, just as an added bonus.

Sometimes it actually makes me absolutely hysterical that any of these things are even possible, and that people can say and do things like that for real and think that it is alright to leave people out to dry, especially when they have never done anything mean to you in their life. But you seem different, regardless of my previous words. It seems as if my thoughts flow straight off my tongue when we talk and I love the feeling and freedom I have in such instances. I can’t believe that you like me or ever did like me because you have wasted no time at all distancing yourself from me. It is much too easy for you to do that, I suppose. So, just protect yourself and I will be here when you get back from whatever goddamned planet you and the rest of the male species has gone to. Farewell, sailor. Perhaps I will see you again when the tide is low. Either that or I will just have to forget about you every time I close my eyes. Easy dreams.

I have been trying to decide who this piece is about but I can’t seem to place it. It concerns me that this is happening once more with another one; it is like they are just waiting in line to get a stab at me but once they learn more, they don’t like me enough to simply acknowledge me in any way. So, fuck my life because I can never get close enough to even ask any questions. Being thrown out of people’s lives must be one of the worst feelings the average human being can experience. It usually comes without warning for me, as if reasons are unnecessary if they aren’t going to talk to me again. It makes sense, right? They just don’t want to talk to me again because I am an annoying bitch, I am fat and ugly, and I am terribly uninteresting. All of these things MUST be true because no one would just leave me for no reason at all. I just want verbal communication instead of experiencing amazing kisses, loving touches, time together, and then… bye! Story of my life, mother fucker.

I think that it is going to be a little bit different every time, and I want to be proved right just once so that I can tell myself I have felt something real and I don’t have to question myself anymore, wondering how I go through it time and time again with no exceptions. I admit that it was my fault on two occasions, but that doesn’t change the fact that I am still abused without fail. Plus, in terms of those two instances, I simply didn’t even like the boys and was taken by surprise. Because I am a crazy girl, thoughts race through my head the second I think I might have a chance with someone, until I realize that I have been lying to myself and I feel completely down because I have given way to lies and deceit again. It has been raining lately, and when it is raining, I feel happier because the cold hides my sadness and the rain masks the tears that I wish were running down my face. A good cry is coming soon. I can feel it on its way, but it is taking much too long. The rain is gone and the thin clouds do nothing to hide how terrible I feel inside. Yes, I am suffering because I am sorry for myself and when the thoughts linger, they dig further and further down until all I am is one big empty hole.

The fact of the matter is that for once, I actually stood up for myself. I was put into a vulnerable situation by the first person that I kissed more than once, and I knew that it simply wasn’t the right thing for me. The way that I came across surely made me out to be a bitch, but I know that I needed to say what I did. It was Jordan, the boy who thought that he could change something by kissing me again and again. Not only did he break my curse, he also took a piece of me. I feel no contempt toward him at all because I know that he wasn’t doing anything to hurt me; he was just looking out for himself in terms of a relationship, or lack thereof. I admit that it still hurts a little bit to see him around because I feel like he hates me for rejecting him. I made it very clear that when guys ignored me, it hurt me so much, so to see him walking around, I feel like he is hurting a little bit. The reality is that he is probably just mad at me because I just kind of blew him off, but I was just speaking my mind.

I want it to be different this time, for something good to result from the feelings that I have. Just once, I want that feeling of satisfaction. I am finally myself with him… and it has taken no time at all for me to feel at home with him. The awkward glances don’t faze me anymore because I see what lies behind those beautiful blue jewels. I feel longing, and I want to share it with him, just so he feels as at home as I do when I see him. He looks into my eyes like no one has, but my experiences are terribly limited in the love department, so it feels great to know that he isn’t a Toby, or a Jordan… he is his own person, and that is exactly what I want and need. Break the final curse. I don’t need you to sweep me off my feet because I know that my life isn’t going to be a fairy tale, because I want reality.

Yet again I am the one left out to dry. I feel as if everything is my fault... I am a good person; I am honest with guys, I am honest with myself, and I put everything I have into what could possibly be a relationship. But Dan was the only one who could even put up with me for less than 3 months. I can’t do it anymore. I am convinced that I will never find love. It is probably because I am looking for it with every bone in my body, but I can’t help it.

The Perfect Moment

After waiting for what felt like hours for my food, I walked out and shoved a chip into my mouth. At that exact moment, he walked through the open doorway of the Café. I scrunched up my eyes hoping that he wouldn’t see me. He immediately turned to me and smiled his beautiful smile and I grimaced, with the chip sticking halfway out of my mouth. At that point, I had no choice but to commit. Attempting to smile, the chip stuck out from my cheeks on both sides and nacho cheese dripping off of my lip and I almost fell over. I laughed for a few seconds and muttered something about how awkward it was as I tried my best to chew and swallow the cheese-covered chip, but it just wouldn’t give in. Holding my nachos in one hand and the chip still spewing out of my mouth, I laughed until my legs almost wouldn’t hold me up anymore. It was a beautiful moment in my life and I kind of hope that I will never see him again because if I see him in the near future, I will probably burst into laughter and spit on him or something. How embarrassing and beautiful at the same time.

As One

As your friend,

I have to say I miss you.

As your lover,

I have to say I want to kiss you.

As your mother,

I have to say I’m proud of you.

As your sister,

I have to say I’m a cloud over you.

As your daughter,

I have to say I hate you.

As your wife,

I have to say I blame you.

As your best friend,

I have to say things will get better.

As your life-long lover,

I have to say I love you forever

I love you, I miss you, I want to kiss you, I will be here forever by your side.

Love it, leave it, let it go, make it happen.

Hold on to who you are, step after step.

Love me, miss me, kiss me, be forever by my side.

I WILL LOVE YOU FOREVER.

Andi's Story

Andi was perfect. Her parents called her Andrea, but she hated that. She had always wanted a boy’s name because she knew she was pretty enough to pull it off, so she told everyone to call her Andi when she was in Kindergarten. The name stuck, and no one even knew what her full name was. She had three older brothers so she never had a problem fitting in with “the guys.” She chugged beers with them, watched sports, and rooted for the Ducks whenever their games were on TV. But she knew how to dress up when the time came. A girl’s girl knows that to fit in, you have to drink mojitos and martinis with the ladies. Going to clubs was what she did best. All the guys wanted her, but she never let them get anything she wasn’t willing to give. Her girl friends always hated the way she strutted across the dance floor holding some boy’s hand, only to come back twenty minutes later to say things like, “He was such a scumbag. Let’s go.”

She always went home alone and listened to her music for hours before she went to sleep. When she woke up in the morning she would go for a jog and eat some pancakes. Her apartment was small, but it was definitely big enough for her friends to come over and party, which is all she ever really wanted to do anyways. Her dog, Oggie, wasn’t the type of Jack Russell Terrier who enjoyed company, so he would cower in the corner all night wondering if she would ever come to her senses and calm the partying down. There was a Laker game on that afternoon, so after she showered, Andi sat down on her old couch with sweatpants and a big tee shirt on. She grabbed the popcorn she usually reserves for movie night with the girls and put it in the microwave. She took it out and, after bouncing down on the couch with a cold Corona right next to her, began yelling at the television with popcorn spewing out of her mouth. If her girl friends could see her now they would probably be laughing at her, but she didn’t care; she never did.

Almost immediately, the boys all walked in together holding coolers full of meat and buns and condiments. Cory and Alex walked down the stairs to the apartment common area to cook up some burgers while Hayden went into the kitchen with the vegetables.

Andi sat on the couch and recalled how Hayden and her had been friends since the second Andi had stepped into that Kindergarten class and sat next to him and said, “Hi, I’m Andi!” They did everything together; they played soccer and baseball and every other sport you can possibly think of. They rode their bikes and skateboards together every day. When they ended up going to different high schools, they still saw each other at least three times a week. Everyone always asked them if they were dating and they just laughed at them and walked away. Or sometimes they wouldn’t say anything, and would just give each other a kiss and walk away holding hands. It was only for show though. Although it was unspoken, they had never considered being anything more than friends. It would have been impossible for them to be closer than they already were and neither of them would exchange that for the world.

Hayden had met Alex and Cory in college, so his relationship with them was still new and a little awkward because Hayden was more of a hipster than the other two. His favorite outfit consisted of his brown jeans that sagged perfectly just a few inches below the top of his boxers. They went perfectly with his ripped up red Vans. The way his pants fell over the backs of his shoes was perfect, and he made sure of it. The front part was folded inward a little bit, while the back dropped just right, so that only the white rubber on his shoes showed from the back. He usually wore his white v-neck and black belt with this outfit to top it off just right. He had short light brown hair that rarely grew past his ears, but when it did, it was curly and messy. His frame was slender, but he had enough muscle to be toned. He was only about 5’7” and was just the right size to pull off his style. Andi had always loved the way he looked, but she used to tell him he should wear flannel shirts because they would look perfect on him. He never did, though – even when she bought one for him for his birthday – because he hated feeling claustrophobic in his clothes.

Alex and Cory were exactly the same except that Alex was shyer and was sometimes treated like Cory’s little bitch. Ever since they were roommates freshman year, they both dressed almost identical all the time, with simple jeans that sagged a little bit, but they wore chucks that were too big for them, so when they walked, their feet came out of them a tiny bit. Cory only bought shirts that fit his chest perfectly; they were never too loose, and God help him if they were ever too tight on him. His hair was a dirty blonde color, and he liked to keep it just a little bit shaggy so he could flip it around a little. Alex dressed similarly, but would usually wear plain shirts, sometimes v-necks in different colors, but they were a little baggier than Cory’s. He also liked wearing hats. His favorite was his Red Sox hat that was navy blue with a big red B on it. His almost buzzed brown hair stuck out just a little from under the hat and so did his ears. His face and build were also bigger than Cory and Hayden; his head was more round and his body was basically all muscle. He was 6’2” and looked like he could have played football in high school, but he was a baseball boy. Cory liked to push him around sometimes even though Alex had about two inches on him and would fight back when he felt insulted. Cory found it entertaining that such a big kid would take his shit and laughed every time Alex said anything stupid. Their relationship was generally pretty awkward unless they both had a little bit of alcohol in their system.

So Andi sat on the couch ordering her friends around, still watching the game and yelling to the guys who was winning. “Hurry up! Oh shit, come on, Kobe! Are you serious?!” She screamed at the television and kept shoving popcorn in her mouth until she couldn’t fit any more. The commercials came on after the first few minutes of the game, so she walked outside to help with the food.

“Is there anything I can do, guys?”

Alex looked at her. “Naw, go back inside, Andi, we got it.”

“It’s a commercial break and I’m starving.”

“So you want to eat, so you came out here to get a taste of something, is that it?”

“Is that so bad? Come on, I just want a corner of a patty.”

“The patties are round, numbnuts. There are no corners.”

“Oh, shut up. Fine, I’ll go back inside. By the way, the Celtics are winning by seven. This game is going to be over before you guys even get in there.”

“Okay, we’re going as fast as we can, girl. Get the fuck out of here. Byeeeee!” said Cory as he smiled his sissy smile and waved her back into the living room.

She plopped herself down again on the couch and kept eating her popcorn, but now it was just like putting styrofoam into her mouth. She sighed as the game came back on. She took a swig of beer, got up, and went into the kitchen where Hayden was cutting up the tomatoes and lettuce and pickles. “Dude, do you need any help in here? I hate sitting in the living room by myself like an idiot,” she said.

“No, I’m good in here. I hate cutting shit, though.” He chopped everything like a little kid; with his hands gingerly touching the tomato like it was breakable. He looked up at Andi and gave her a confused look.

Andi took the knife from him and said, “I’ll cut this stuff. Go sit down. Here, take my beer.” He took the beer from her and set it down on the counter. “No, I’ll just help you. If you don’t wanna be a loser, what makes you think that I would want to?”

“Oh, calm down and grab another knife,” she said. He took a knife out of the holder and grabbed another tomato. They chopped in silence while the game played on the TV in the background. Andi craned her neck to see what the score was. “Twenty-three to seventeen, Celtics!” She yelled to the boys outside. “Ow, Jesus Christ. And you’re telling me to calm down? You just blew my eardrums,” Hayden muttered to himself.

Andi had chopped about five tomatoes, and Hayden was still on his first. She elbowed him out of the way and finished cutting his. “Check on the burgers outside, then come back and we’ll work on the pickles.”

Rolling his eyes, Hayden walked outside to check everything out. Alex and Cory were standing next to the barbeque, with Alex holding the plate and Cory putting the finished burgers on it with a spatula. “Can you melt some cheese on top of mine? Andi’s probably gonna want cheese too,” Hayden told them. “Yeah, I do!” Andi said from the kitchen window.

“Ah come on, guys. Just when I’m finishing?” Cory asked. “I don’t even have the cheese down here. Go get it and I’ll put it on these last two. Hurry up.”

Hayden sauntered back up the stairs. “Hurry, bro!” Cory yelled from behind him. He jogged up the remaining steps and turned into the kitchen. “You want cheese on your burger, right?” he said to Andi. “Yeah, dude. Slap some fake cheddar on that shit,” Andi said as she smiled at him. “The pickles are done, let’s eat already.”

So Hayden picked up the cheese and three beers as he headed back outside. He popped one of them open, took a sip, and tossed Alex and Cory their own ice cold Coronas. “Andi and I are gonna turn the living room into the prime game-watching room, so get your asses up there.” Cory flashed him an annoyed look and said, “Yeah, we’re working on it.” Hayden walked back up the stairs and started getting all the plates and condiments and putting everything on the coffee table.

“Andi! Are you kidding me? Your popcorn is all over the couch,” he said from the other room.

“Oops, yeah, that was my bad. Hey, I’m gonna go change into some jeans or something. I’ll be out in a sec,” Andi said as she walked into her room. Throwing on some jeans, a tank top, and slippers, she walked out after about thirty seconds.

“How do you even do that? Every other girl on the face of the planet would have taken like seven years doing their makeup, and yet you still look awesome when you come out with just jeans and shit on. You’re hot as hell.” Hayden looked her up and down and shook his head.

“I don’t know, dude. I guess it’s just natural. I hate all those girls who spend hours on themselves. I don’t even want to imagine what they look like without makeup on,” Andi said as she smiled at him. “And, I am not hot, just really good-looking.”

“Whatever. Get your ass over here and throw your damn popcorn away.”

“Yeah, yeah, yeah. It’s my apartment and I can do what I want with it.”

“You’re a neat freak; don’t even pretend you’re not.”

“I know, fuck you, I am throwing it away. Happy?”

“No, but I know you are.”

Andi ignored him. “Ughh, what is taking those idiots so long?” she said as she turned around and walked to the top of the stairs. “Seriously, guys? The game is honestly at half-time right now and I am starving.”

“Dude. We know. We’re done, grab some burgers and help out,” Alex said. Andi was surprised that he even knew how to give any sort of orders. It must have been the half of the beer he had consumed. She laughed and walked into the house holding a plate of burgers. She set them down on the coffee table and walked into the kitchen.

“Hayden, where are the buns?”

“In the brown bag on the counter.”

“Got ‘em. Let’s eat.” Andi walked into the living room with the buns and tossed them onto the table. Alex and Cory came up the stairs with the rest of the burgers, Cory holding the spatula like it had tons of germs on it. “You guys are like fucking snails today. It’s 91-78 Celtics and we haven’t even sat down yet,” Andi moaned.

The boys ignored her and began distributing plates and buns. They ate in silence until Kevin Garnett clearly fouled Derek Fisher but the referees didn’t call it. They all screamed with their mouths full of delicious burgers, “Oh, fuck you! Ughhhh.” Immediately after yelling, they all looked at each other and laughed.

Absurdity

His words are absolutely absurd to me; how can he say that he will just go with someone else without asking me if that is all right? Just the fact that he thinks I won’t really care hurts me worse than anything else. I might not be the most beautiful girl out there, but why is he not even putting me in his league? I can play the game better than all those chicks anyways, so why am I just alone, in this box with nowhere to go. Then there is the other kid that I see everywhere but he wouldn’t know who I was if I was standing directly in front of him talking to his face. So what if he has a girlfriend? That doesn’t matter; they will break up eventually anyways, so why not just speed up the process? I don’t know her, but I sort of feel like all the other girls around here are so empty compared to me. Yes, I am jealous of course, but not any more than I should be. It breaks my heart. I’m just a girl in the world, yes, and that should make me available. So to sit there with that dumb look on your face doesn’t make any sense to me. I am directly in front of you, being ME. I’m pretty sure that that should be enough to tell you that I am interested in you as a person, not just here to have a little fun.

You show me everything that is important to you and you listen so well to what I have to say, but it leads to nowhere. I feel like we are best friends, and that is honestly all I need from you right now, so just be there for me without being anything more than what I need. I trust you, but there are times that I feel like you want nothing to do with me; it’s like you want to ignore me but it only lasts a few moments and then you are staring into my eyes. I wonder what you are thinking when you do that. You were listening to your iPod and singing something to me. Our eyes were locked but when I asked you what you were doing, you shook your head and looked away. How is that supposed to make me feel? Because it is making me feel really lost and confused as to how I should react. You tend to do that to me a lot. When you talk, so many times you are looking right at me and it makes me feel uncomfortable. I am not nervous, but I can’t look you in the eye when you do that because I don’t know what to say. You look too far into me.

I need to fall back on you. It would be heavenly to have you there to catch me when I fall. Stand by me, like Billy Idol says, because I am just in dire need of that person right now in my life.

A Year In a Day

She climbed the mountain, but when she turned around, no one was behind her. She stood there for hours staring not down at the world, but up at the sky instead. She saw everything she had ever done above her, mashed into the clouds. It was a sunny day, the kind that makes the sweat on your face sticky, and she loved it. The air was completely still and she didn’t want to move for fear that she would disturb it. She felt like her feet were gingerly standing on a still lake and if she took another step, the ripples would interrupt the flow of the rest of the atmosphere. She watched as the clouds began to come closer together and the sun was suddenly gone and there was nothing she could do about it. The moment a single tear dropped from her eye, millions of drops fell from the sky onto the same spot. She couldn’t cry anymore after that because she felt like the clouds had cried for her, perhaps in place of her. It was just enough for her to crumple down to the rock she was standing on. She couldn’t stay strong. Who was she kidding?

Just in that single moment, she saw everything she needed in the sky. It was as if her heart didn’t need to be sad anymore and she didn’t need to hide because there was nothing to cower away from. Although she was completely alone, it didn’t hurt her as much as it usually did. She simply knew that her fears were unfounded; she had no reason to walk side-by-side with anyone. She understood herself as she scrambled to her feet and began her descent. It was supposed to be a long way to the bottom, but time flies when you’re having fun. She hopped from rock to rock and every time her shoes hit new ground, they bounced happily to the next. She couldn’t control them in the least bit and by the time she made it to flat ground again and licked her lips, the sweat tasted sweet and well acquired. The smile on her face wasn’t even needed anymore because her eyes radiated happiness. They shone like stars in the night as she twirled. Her outfit turned into a ball gown the more she spun around. She needed no one to dance with, though. She ran through the rain holding her sopping wet dress in her hands.

Her hiking boots showed under the folds of the dress as she ran as fast as she could. Not knowing where she was, she tripped and fell onto the wet grass. Suddenly, her happiness turned to worry and she looked around. It was too early to be dark, but the storm was moving in faster than she had expected. She brought herself to a sitting position and drew her knees to her chest. Where was she going to go in this beautiful dress? It wasn’t made for running anywhere in the rain. Normally she would have cried in this situation, but she just wanted to get out of there and go home, because she wanted to be comfortable and happy and warm. Suddenly, as if someone had heard her thoughts, she was picked up by her elbows and brought to her feet. She looked down and saw mud all over her dress and her eyes began to moisten. Then she turned around and saw him. He had broken her heart so many times, but he was back. She rolled her eyes, but refused to touch him and told him to take her home. Taken aback, he reached for her hand. She let him hold it for an instant, but took it away to hold strong to herself. He looked down and walked ahead of her.

With more than five feet between them, she hated herself for everything she had ever done: letting herself fall for him, watching him leave, watching him walk back, and refusing to let his hand fill the spaces between her fingers. She never did anything right. They arrived at her front steps. Not a word escaped either of their lips, but his eyes told her that he was sorry. She looked at him, closed her eyes tightly and looked down, and walked past him to her door. Without looking back, she went inside, closed the door, and fell against it. Why was it that she always ended up on the floor with nowhere to go? Without thinking, she laid all the way down and fell asleep in her wet ball gown, and when she woke up, she was on top of the mountain. No one was there, but she felt a different air surrounding her. She looked at her clothes and saw that she was still wearing the dress. She felt her sides. They ached. When her eyes closed again, she remembered being carried up the mountainside and set down at the top. The hands were strong, but gentle. She stood up, once more at the top of the world, staring down at it this time.

A Twist In My Story

When I look down at my hands, I feel terribly sad. It isn't the thought of my fingernails or the creases in my fingers; rather, it is the fact that nobody wants to fill the spaces between my fingers. Every shot that I take misses, every move that I make breaks me in half. The torment isn't worth the struggle. Or perhaps the struggle isn't worth the torment. I walk through life like a zombie, and nothing makes it worthwhile to come back to life. I havent felt anything in ages, and even when I used to think that I actually had were all a lie.

Everything that I am is heartbroken and lonely; I treasure the people that have enough consideration to simply respond to my words. I have marked them as my best friends because they don't ignore me. Is this right? Am I sane? Who have I become that people don't even wish to talk to me? Every single day, I fight the urge to rebel and get out of this hole that I live in, but I try to leave these thoughts in my head. If I dared to tell someone how I felt, I would be told to stop complaining. I can't help it! I need someone to hold me, I am impatient to find the one who will love me unconditionally.

I don't wish to be alone when I watch the sun rise and set continuously. Sunsets are when I feel most abandoned on this ship we call life. I wish to jump overboard, into the choppy ocean waters, but I need someone to laugh with before I do it. I laugh at my own jokes because there is no one around to laugh at them with me. I talk to objects because there is no one around to talk to. I ask myself who I am, and I tell myself that I am still Amy, and I am still awesome. Who have I become that I have been forced to lie to myself?

Today...

I touched you and the lightning went directly to my head. We walked forward through the sparks of light that surrounded us, our fingers intertwined. The way your eyes scanned my face felt like the rain falling from the clouds. You make me crazy, you make my head spin.

He isn’t average, and he isn’t normal; he’s not the type to shoot down dreams. He scares me and drains me but I don’t care anymore because it feels like home with him no matter where we are. My feet still tingle when I think of the cold floors of the stores we adventured to and I can’t help but think that everything I’ve been through has led me to this: my happy place.