Rest Easy

Your hand brushes my hair away from my face and it is hard for me to tell whether you think I am beautiful and delicate enough to touch or if you were bothered by my unruly hair. I have fallen for this act time and time again and I know that I will continue to do so unless I am taught to keep myself roped in. This time felt different, though, because you weren’t trying to get anything from me; you seemed to want nothing but to hold me tight, keeping me safe and keeping me with you. “We Are Only An Image Of The Past” is one of the songs on the CD you gave me of your band’s old music. I hate how accurate the music really is in explaining my love life; the past three minutes have been terribly nostalgic for me, missing the times when I felt safe and loved. But like a bad movie, my thoughts cut to when those loving people decided to leave me alone to rot until someone else picked me up, dropping me on my ass to be alone again.

I am nothing more than a crazy girl. “All boys are stupid and all girls are crazy, some are just better at hiding it than others,” is what Theresa says about this matter. I have to agree with her because no matter how relaxed I think I am or try to be, words and actions of others still eat at me and I get confused because of myself. It doesn’t make sense until I stop and think that I have never been truly wanted by a boy who could actually marry me and have a life with me. As a matter of fact, it sucks that – besides Jeff and our awkward peck and then first-ever make-out sesh in my house – I have never been kissed more than once by any guy. If that’s not sad, then I have no idea what is. Well, actually, I do, because I know girls who have still never been kissed, but that is also a good kind of sad because boys at least value them enough to leave them alone and not hurt them as opposed to simply using and abusing them to the absolute core.

I want to know what every guy is thinking when he is ignoring me because although I know all of them are “stupid,” I don’t see how any human being would think that it is a good idea to not talk to someone after you have shared an intimate moment with them. I don’t care who you are; if you spend any sort of time with someone, you care about them at least a little bit and you are at the very least casual friends. So it confuses the shit out of me when they literally cut off contact with me. Toby, for example, wouldn’t respond to me at all and even when he was “online,” his “sister” told me that he was in the hospital. When I asked him about it later, he said something along the lines of, “Oh, sorry, I guess you just aren’t my type.” UHHHH. Yeah, thanks, buddy. This was over instant messaging, just as an added bonus.

Sometimes it actually makes me absolutely hysterical that any of these things are even possible, and that people can say and do things like that for real and think that it is alright to leave people out to dry, especially when they have never done anything mean to you in their life. But you seem different, regardless of my previous words. It seems as if my thoughts flow straight off my tongue when we talk and I love the feeling and freedom I have in such instances. I can’t believe that you like me or ever did like me because you have wasted no time at all distancing yourself from me. It is much too easy for you to do that, I suppose. So, just protect yourself and I will be here when you get back from whatever goddamned planet you and the rest of the male species has gone to. Farewell, sailor. Perhaps I will see you again when the tide is low. Either that or I will just have to forget about you every time I close my eyes. Easy dreams.

I have been trying to decide who this piece is about but I can’t seem to place it. It concerns me that this is happening once more with another one; it is like they are just waiting in line to get a stab at me but once they learn more, they don’t like me enough to simply acknowledge me in any way. So, fuck my life because I can never get close enough to even ask any questions. Being thrown out of people’s lives must be one of the worst feelings the average human being can experience. It usually comes without warning for me, as if reasons are unnecessary if they aren’t going to talk to me again. It makes sense, right? They just don’t want to talk to me again because I am an annoying bitch, I am fat and ugly, and I am terribly uninteresting. All of these things MUST be true because no one would just leave me for no reason at all. I just want verbal communication instead of experiencing amazing kisses, loving touches, time together, and then… bye! Story of my life, mother fucker.

I think that it is going to be a little bit different every time, and I want to be proved right just once so that I can tell myself I have felt something real and I don’t have to question myself anymore, wondering how I go through it time and time again with no exceptions. I admit that it was my fault on two occasions, but that doesn’t change the fact that I am still abused without fail. Plus, in terms of those two instances, I simply didn’t even like the boys and was taken by surprise. Because I am a crazy girl, thoughts race through my head the second I think I might have a chance with someone, until I realize that I have been lying to myself and I feel completely down because I have given way to lies and deceit again. It has been raining lately, and when it is raining, I feel happier because the cold hides my sadness and the rain masks the tears that I wish were running down my face. A good cry is coming soon. I can feel it on its way, but it is taking much too long. The rain is gone and the thin clouds do nothing to hide how terrible I feel inside. Yes, I am suffering because I am sorry for myself and when the thoughts linger, they dig further and further down until all I am is one big empty hole.

The fact of the matter is that for once, I actually stood up for myself. I was put into a vulnerable situation by the first person that I kissed more than once, and I knew that it simply wasn’t the right thing for me. The way that I came across surely made me out to be a bitch, but I know that I needed to say what I did. It was Jordan, the boy who thought that he could change something by kissing me again and again. Not only did he break my curse, he also took a piece of me. I feel no contempt toward him at all because I know that he wasn’t doing anything to hurt me; he was just looking out for himself in terms of a relationship, or lack thereof. I admit that it still hurts a little bit to see him around because I feel like he hates me for rejecting him. I made it very clear that when guys ignored me, it hurt me so much, so to see him walking around, I feel like he is hurting a little bit. The reality is that he is probably just mad at me because I just kind of blew him off, but I was just speaking my mind.

I want it to be different this time, for something good to result from the feelings that I have. Just once, I want that feeling of satisfaction. I am finally myself with him… and it has taken no time at all for me to feel at home with him. The awkward glances don’t faze me anymore because I see what lies behind those beautiful blue jewels. I feel longing, and I want to share it with him, just so he feels as at home as I do when I see him. He looks into my eyes like no one has, but my experiences are terribly limited in the love department, so it feels great to know that he isn’t a Toby, or a Jordan… he is his own person, and that is exactly what I want and need. Break the final curse. I don’t need you to sweep me off my feet because I know that my life isn’t going to be a fairy tale, because I want reality.

Yet again I am the one left out to dry. I feel as if everything is my fault... I am a good person; I am honest with guys, I am honest with myself, and I put everything I have into what could possibly be a relationship. But Dan was the only one who could even put up with me for less than 3 months. I can’t do it anymore. I am convinced that I will never find love. It is probably because I am looking for it with every bone in my body, but I can’t help it.