It haunts me until I can’t take it anymore; I feel like I am on a tilt-a-whirl at a cheap carnival. Every time I think I have lost it, it comes back and the feeling makes me sick. I trembled in confusion when you left because it just wasn’t right. With my head in my hands, thoughts coursed through my veins and I couldn’t block them from my brain. I know what I have to do and it seems easy enough, but there is someone else. He is unlike you in every way, and he has the advantage of familiarity. I can see more what lies in his heart, and it makes me want to see what troubles you and experiences you have had that have shaped you into who you are. Still in shock about the recent events, I can’t help but compare the two of you side-by-side. It reminds me of Ross in Friends when he makes the list of pros and cons. He is my Rachel, and you’re the girl whose name slips my mind. I hate that I feel this way when someone good like you finally comes along, but I can’t help it.
After an interesting class this afternoon where I took notes and learned about evolution, I have been thinking about how love and feelings have changed between the first primates and modern human beings as we are today. I know that I’m not alone, but it feels like it now because I am going through one of those phases where I feel completely unique on every level.
I remember when you put your arm around me for the first time.
It weighed heavily on my side as my slow breaths drew ever slower.
When you took it away and moved it closer to your own core,
I still felt the imprint of it in my ribs. While you drew back, my eyes closed and a smile appeared.
You couldn’t see my face, but I think you would have liked what you saw.
I wish that I could say I was confused by your actions, but it didn’t even matter to me.
Immediately I was comfortable in your arms and your little gestures allowed for you to see me laugh and giggle.
I want you to teach me more, I want to know you in and out and go places with you.
I don’t love you, but I desire simply to spend time with you.
But when night falls, I am left alone with your arm weighing me down, wondering.
It is that time when I see faces, but no names.
It is the mystery when you walk into a crowded room.
It might be who I think you are.
It feels like a sideways glance.
It was all those times when I thought about you,
But had no idea who you were.
MOST BORING MOVIE EVER.
He wraps his arm around my side. Shit, he is touching me. My heart begins to pound abnormally fast and my stomach turns. Does this mean something else? Of course it does, I know how much he likes me. His fingertips softly comb my fingers and arm. It tingles a little bit, and shivers begin to run up my spine. His other hand then moves up to my hair, and he brushes it away from my face. Ow, my knee hurts… stretch it out a little. I adjust my legs and move them closer to his. I want nothing more than to lay him on his back and give him a soft kiss, the kind that pulls the skin on our lips outward gently and leaves him wanting more. I want my left hand on his chest over his heart and my right up in his hair. I want my chin on his chest next to my hand and I want to talk to him about everything, but the movie is rolling on and his roommate is in full view. Fuck, my eyes hurt and I have to go pee. I get up, tell him I will be right back, and head down the hall. My eyes close tightly and my brain goes insane. I ignore the feeling, go back, and curl up next to him, smile, and know that the time will come when my simple daydream will come true.
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