Fix Me

I tensed up my left hand without realizing it, but as I looked into your eyes and read your lips, my hand slowly started to relax.

I didn’t want you to see what I was thinking about, so I turned my head away so that you would leave me alone.

You softly parted your lips and told me that I looked beautiful tonight.

I tried my hardest not to smile because I couldn’t be sure if you were being serious.

While I was still looking away, I closed both of my eyes so tightly that I felt as if the mascara on my lashes were going to stick together forever.

They were still shut when I leaned on your shoulder.  Slowly but surely, my right leg began to go limp. My neck followed soon after.

I was half asleep when a love scene in the movie brought my attention back to the position I was lying in and my body became tense once more.

This time, when I slowly lifted my chin up to look at you, all it took for me to fall back into bliss was a glance to your brown eyes and I was gone once more.

I was still looking at you when my eyelids closed and my face moved towards yours. 

You smiled and you were so close to me that I could feel it.  You weren’t touching me but I still knew.

Then when our lips finally touched, I felt your teeth softly open up my lips and the next thing I knew, we were kissing. 

The emotions flooded straight up to my head and I cringed in confusion.

Was I supposed to take this as a sign, that maybe you cared about me now and wanted something more?

I couldn’t just accept this kiss as nothing, so I pulled away from you.  I asked you what this meant for us and all you said was that you didn’t know, but you liked where it was going.

I felt hurt, but when my eyes combed your face, I just couldn’t stand backing out now.

So I leaned in again.  You took my hair in your left hand and kissed me.  It was almost violent but loving at the same so I embraced it.

Then, suddenly, my slow heartbeat turned faster and faster and I didn’t understand why yet at the same time I didn’t care.

You were my safe haven for those few minutes and I couldn’t have been happier; I was there with you because I didn’t want anyone else.

Now, months later, your image is gone from my mind.  You are the boy that I spent time with and nothing more. 

Sometimes I hope that it hurts you but at the same time I wish that it would simply hurt me less than it hurts right now.

If you want to, open up the pages of my book.  I am there, waiting to be held, treasured, annotated, and re-read. 

Whatever you do, just remember those nights when worries turned into smiles and tears turned into laughs.